happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
I'm sorry..where i come from learning how to exploit a wealthy middle aged man is a right of passage
You were so drunk you tried to sell your salsa to everyone on the restaurant.
This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
she said she was living bicuriously through me.
just found gum connecting my sunglasses to my floor board. you don't want to know where else it was.
Its 11am, im in the city in a pocahontas outfit, lost a heel and found a gold rolex in my lingerie.
She just called to say she can support a full bottle of vodka between "the girls" now. I'm going over, don't try and stop me.
They fucked on my pong table last St. Patty's and broke it. I feel like I should be hiding my new one. Would hate for a tradition to form.
You fell out of the chair and then lifted your foot saying, "If my foot could give you the middle finger it would."
I told a 250 pound football player I would catch him if he jumped into my arms. And that is how I broke my wrist
Topless Tuesday? One of us will be really happy the other not so much.
Never drinking before a 6am train again. Just threw up at boarder control and had to pretend it was cause I was pregnant and not cause I trashed.
You make Europe seem so glamorous.
Having sex with him is like yoga. I do it in the morning and then can't walk for three days afterwards.
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