After throwing up in a tequila bottle on my nightstand (still not sure how she did that) she asked if she could slip into something more comfortable.
I gave up trying to understand them years ago. Now I'm just trying to fuck them.
I think I won over his best friend. He was staring at my boobs all night.
Well you tried to pay for a drink with your keys for one...
I might have beaten my fastest all time record going from "I really really like this girl" to "fuck that bitch"
Just turned your apartment into a democracy and were voting on who takes shots next
He was respectful of both me and my One Direction calendar.
This guy kept trying to use "see? I'm clean. Cleared by the plasma place today." as a pick up line. This is not okay.
Executive order 941: BRING ME THE FINEST PANCAKES!
You have got to stop watching the West Wing before going out.
and yet oddly the jello shots tasted better coming up than going down
So when he asked me to go on a date tonight, I didn't think the words "have you tried a suppository" would be part of the evening.
THEY HAVE BEEN GOING AT IT FOR 2 HOURS AND I HEAR THEM BANGING THIS IS BULLSHIT
I dont understand why so many people are content staying in and avoiding alcohol and sex
what happened to you last night?
I dunno man, i pissed in a urinal, sent you a picture of my vagina and woke up with 25 bar stamps on my arms.. you tell me
Whats spookier? Halloween or waking up to a drunk text from your ex telling you how awesome you are at 2am
Randomize
