idk hes just been lookin at me weird all night
he probably just wants to cut your skin off and wear you like a body suit
we're doing shots for every degree below freezing it is outside
It's hard to be above the influence when you are the influence.
Ah shit... I sleep-ate chocolate pudding again.
you can feel better about your life now. i slept with a guy who has gold teeth
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
there's no excuse to just assume your pants won't be coming off for some reason or another. that's just irresponsible
Alright, who started the "how long till dereck gets deported from Australia" pool? I want in on that.
I totally left my shirt at your house. Also I think I high fived your cactus last night
So his 25th anniversary post of love to his wife was almost verbatim what he said to me last week. Does that mean I win or lose?
Between this new vagisil cleaner and these cranberry vitamins, my vagina feels like a new women.
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
He fingered me to the beat of the Fresh Prince theme song... it was pretty fantastic.
I'm craving your dick and a microwave pizza
I'm hammerd and his penis is still the size of a giraffe's neck
Randomize
