I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
Yeah and Nick is shooting his loaded 9mm in his backyard.
hey, we don't wanna leave the house because we're watching fireworks on tv. this is america.
You came back with puke all over your sweatshirt and started doing darth vader impressions
it's fine if we fail the bar, we were never going to satisfy the moral character requirement anyway
thanks for texting me "so many asians" at 1am...
there were a lot.
I just negotiated a blow job for an interview.
and if my full six pack comes in by Halloween there is no stopping the man slut costume. I have no shame
I keep telling myself last night was not real, not real, not real. Then I remember I can't move. This hangover is too fucking real.
if I'm at school tomorrow just indulge my moment of pity and let me cry on your shoulder
I think you were giving a sex seminar on your kitchen table last night.
He saved you from those guys at the club, took you home, and made you breakfast. If this isn't your come to Jesus moment IDK what is.
Successfully put eye drops in while driving with my glasses on. Stoner level: expert
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
Randomize
