I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
it was like my fingers were behind enemy lines
im in class. still drunk. wearing one sock. eating a breakfast sandwich and trying to make sure this bottle of whiskey doesnt fall out of my purse in front of my professor
I've grown up since last year. I don't give blow jobs as birthday presents anymore.
I would do laundry with you but I vaguely remember swallowing all my quarters last night as some kind of trick.
So basically, I've just woken up in another random bed and I go to get my pants and he's wearing them. Like my underwear is in them... What the fuck is wrong with my life?
on my way to nyc to take a survey about my sexual activity. if you dont hear from me for a few days, assume they had me committed...
You were asking her how her mother would feel if y'all dated, etc. And I was yelling at you your girlfriends name over and over again in between gags and sobs.
you just rode your bike home from a one night stand in a stolen skirt with no underwear and you're telling ME to reevaluate life choices?!
I woke up with a thorn in my belly button. A THORN!
Idk you're asking me for advice on dating bro, after I told you I got a convicts number today.
Dealing with people is so much easier after you've had an orgasm or 4.
Haha we both slept with guys named Brad born on may 1st. This is a proud day for sisters.
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
Dry spell is over and now I’m drowning in a river of dick. The dam broke and now half the dicks in DC are trying get in my skirt
It’s a glorious dick miracle!
Randomize
