i thought i deleted your number from my phone...Wtf
Ok never mind. Thought i pooped my pants for a second. False alarm.
well I washed the adderal like an idiot. the capsules broke but the beads inside were intact. so my landlady came in and caught me licking the dryer lint screen
She just sucked the buffalo sauce out of my beard. I've never been so disgusted and hard in my life.
beware of the wheat thins...there might be a knife in it
Okay, we really need to start training for the St Pattys parade. 48 hours of green beer won't end well if we don't prep ourselves. 2 week bender starts now
Can I just say that you're probably one of my favorite people to have sex with and then eat hummus with at 3:45am?
Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
The plan was to get laid... Now the plan is to survive.
my friend was passed out in the bathroom so I threw up in the coffee maker, not the pot the water reservoir that kind of drunk.
Someone is giving away free yogurt on craigslist. Can I get a ride?
Be happy for me... Or horny... Or be a really good friend and feel what I want you to feel. Jealousy
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
Slap a cop in the butt for a felony charge. Check.
Harry Potter pub crawl tonight. You know you're living your life right when your check list for the evening is wizard robes, wand and acid.
Randomize
