Pick my eyebrow is burning. I'm sitting in the back of dolows vat and listening to jolly music and wilfgang is signing and looking food. Cute kid. Home is where I go now.
what. the. fuck.
So I'm eating my sandwich... and a penny fell out of it.
So.. My internet got red-flagged at work because i did a search on "midigit strippers las vegas" This may be hard to explain...
we just drove by a car that was painted for a grad, it said "you done it!" with a confederate flag bumper sticker next to it. i love kentucky
My cleaning lady just walked in the kitchen and i had a hardcore boner. I dont know what awkward is anymore
Its official. I've reentered slutty territory. I was a condom away from having sex in a childs playhouse at a park. Oh and I lost my car keys.
Apparently she got a minor consumption for using vodka soak tapmons
Does that work!! Please say yes
I said we should get a taxi and you were waving down cars, three of which were cops and one of them slowed down and shook his head then kept driving
He didn't think we needed a taxi
Dude I'm riding a fucking tortoise this is awesome you should come with me more often
You kept saying "this bitch", mumbled incoherently for like 5 minutes, took a shot, and kept going.
I WANT TO JUMP IN TO A VOLCANO
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
If you need me I'll be getting drunk in a chewbacca onsie like a real adult.
It makes me so happy that my local liquor store has a black lab that is there every day. Really tho - it makes the higher prices excusable.
Just checked out of walmart with a 30 pack of Budlight and a wiffle bat. Hello, Monday night.
Randomize
