Are they still out there making out on the couch? How can we get them to leave?
I 'm gonna go stand naked in the kitchen with a knife
And then I watched some old guy get arrested for meeting some other old guy for a blow job. It was epic.
i can barely afford taco bell don't think a baby is in the budget
Night out in new white coat = success. Offered free breast exams all night, two took me up on it, woke up with one. I love medical school!!!
why is there a clump of hair nailed to my wall?
I think they called the cops after 15 minutes of you shaking their clothes line like the ultimate warrior and calling out hulk hogan
I can't wait to hear about your drunken cab ride to planned parenthood at 2pm
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... Men can be so sensitive...
I'm honored that you could tear yourself away from your girlfriend's vagina long enough to text me.
Had the weirdest dream last night. If you're ever in Texas, do not come over with a 12 pack as a bribe and ask for a threeway between you, me, and my TA. I will take the beer though.
I woke up and my pants were in the kitchen but my shoes were next to my bed. Do the math...
you just don't appreciate it because you've never been arrested
I was puking for like ten minutes when I realized my parents were fucking in the shower and were afraid to come out
I’m going to lick a fucking door knob when this shit is all over
Probably Waffle House
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