She was Ugg boots AND a Bumpit. Of course I didn't sleep with her.
a slip n slide in 50degree weather was the 2nd dumbest thing i have ever done. the 1st was hitting the wooden fence i believed was supposed to "help us stop"
she keeps a pillow, blanket, and a pack of saltines under the bathroom sink, for "rough nights".
Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
I realized i make the same noise when i get a blow job as when i eat pizza
You just kept saying "I want my babies to look like you."
I was in the library and saw 2 dudes hackysacking in a study room with 3 girls working. I asked if I could join; as soon as I closed the door the chicks offered me tequila shots. study session w/everyone cancelled, I'm busy.
All hell broke loose. When the police showed up, this kid somehow haggled with a cop to let him pee in public. I'm convinced he could talk the panties off of a nun
I'm running on two hours of sleep, a shot of vodka, and half of a granola bar. I can't be held responsible for what I do.
I just Miyagied my roommate through her first set of tit pics. Her fuck buddy owes me.
I've grown it out to 70s proportions. I'm calling it my chastity pelt.
You were passed out in the OutBack Bowl Shrimp costume and when we asked you wtf happened you just said On Wisconsin.
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
I fear our relationship is coming to an end. Last night I felt the need to bloody apologise for waking him up with a blow job.
ill let you put your finger in a lot of things. but a ring is not one of them.
Randomize
