his ringtone is the jonas brothers. get me the fuck out of here NOW.
I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
tolerance is too high. going on a liquor strike. ghandi style.
I think the imperative here is that I literally knocked down a sorority house with the force of my dick.
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I should probably file for unemployment. Sometime between last night and 4 AM I facebooked my manager the lyrics to hoe by ludacris. I'm just projecting ahead here.
she laid there and continued moaning loudly for like 10 minutes after we were done, just so that her mom would be jealous
I drunkenly asked a stripper to join our volleyball team.
I would makeout with my roommate, but im not drunk enough and she doesnt like bacon fat
The leasing office is hiring, so I gave them my resume and class schedule. I doubt they'll call me considering last summer at their "exotic animal" pool party I marched in with a funnel and demanded the employees chug. I doubt they've forgotten.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He wants to hookup..at the fair..this is our chance to leave him stranded with no clothes.
Well, we broke up and instead of putting my shit out on the curb like a normal person, she fucking donated everything to Goodwill. So now I have to pay two dollars for one of my own t shirts.
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
he came during what was supposed to be the foreplay blowjob. there goes my evening.
I don't care. She's the only girl to make me feel like my face is melting when she blows me.
got a free grilled cheese. Didn't even have to talk about Jesus
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