woke up to 35 texts all saying im cheating on her
me and last nights hook up spent two hr. figuring out a reply we went with i love you..
separated laundry into 'got laid' and 'didn't get laid' piles.
Great. Me and the intoxalock guy are getting so close he just said "alright see you later girl!" when I called about getting the blower recallibrated.
Um I just overheard that the new guy spent a month in jail. Obvi another great hire.
The night was going well until I found tufts of my hair in the freezer. Then I got nervous
I'm going to call you, don't answer. Need to practice moaning to your answering machine again
I caught her walking around with a fake mustache, wearing a sombrero and holding an empty carton of milk. She's a hopeless cause.
We were pulling the glow sticks off of him and he just kept yelling, "my bones! You're taking my bones!" and asking me if I was on the crew team
Oh shit. My drunken car sex is on Google Earth.
Defrosting my uncrustable with my laptop...Hungover dinner
Just bought shock top, Trojans, double shots and baby oil. At 8 am. While the lady in front of me bitched about her expired coupons.
I'm just saying, I walked in on you blowing a burrito. I now understand how obsessed you are with Taco Bell. And how long it's been since you've got some.
She said to me, without hesitation, "make me an offer better than my sugar daddy and I'll go with you"
I just left and he walked me out and went call me if you're ever... Eh... Whatever. And walked away.
His wife isn’t coming to the wedding! I’ve got 48 hours to home wreck him. Gotta go, I have to shave my vajayjay and buy some really slutty underwear. Love you!
Randomize
