genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
I know it's getting bad when I wash the bong more often then the dishes
they were just spraying pledge on themselves and calling it lemon cologne.
She ended up puking in the bathroom. But she's a good drunk... i told her to stay in there so i could dance til the club closed. She was still in the stall an hour later.
My body is a temple...that happens to be able to get me free Patron shots at the bar
You can't text people with drinkers' regret at 8 in the morning. It's just bad form.
I am making up for a 7 year dry spell so I get a pass and I don't always care if there is a second date. It is like college but with more money and condoms.
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
Fun times on public transportation. I just had a guy imply that I was racist cause I didn't want to talk to him when I was clearly reading my book and he was clearly on coke.
I settled on "Merry Christmas! Btw you may have chlamydia". I thought a nice holiday greeting would soften the blow
That's why my boobs are so big, they're full of secrets.
on the bright side i found your panties and the lid to the nutella
Dude, don't beat around the bush. We're fucked and you know it.
Look get the dick out ur mouth and answer the phone
So drinking that old rum that I found in the ceiling of my dorm was prob not my best idea. But good news: my puke was so colorful b/c of all the skittles i ate
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