This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
i will be blacked out in the shower. come get me. 20 mins.
Nice. Don't spend your therapist's co-pay on Jaeger bombs.
currently wearing a football players overly sized underwear. discovered a shot count on my leg. I'm a tank hahahhh
They left me passes out in the food donation bin with an empty handle and a half eaten box of nutter butters
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
I'm sorry, you might have to start setting aside some time in your day for my pussy.
With a breakfast like weed and a fun size twix before a dentist appointment you can see exactly how I handle being an adult
If its possible to have a hickey on your nipple, I have one. Thank you.
Promise me you will not let me do anything sexual with or to a mini horse no matter how drunk we get. Ever.
currently googling "apology gifts for when you poop on their floor"
Way to go. Now you have no beer and I have a cold tit.
Btw, remind me to tell you about how I had to cancel my crazy wild sex plans with Will b/c my roommate came back from his trip after a day b/c Canada wouldn't let him in. Fucking cockblock.
Actually that's the whole story. You don't have to remind me.
Oh my god, my vagina is cursed. He's cursed my vagina so that no one but him can maintain a boner around me. I'm sure of it.
I need my comforter. Pls bring it to me and drape me in it like an animal pelt. Ps I'm naked.
Randomize
