Oprah is sooooo fat. I can't even concentrate on Mackenzie Phillips talking about banging her dad
when a 14 year old is judging you, you know you've had too much to drink
Hashbrowns don't come out your nose as easily as you would think
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
You're welcome to join, but just to warn you, tequila makes my clothes disappear. And I'm telling you that as an adult to an adult, not as your supervising teacher who decides whether or not you graduate.
Hes a nice guy and all but I'm only interested in his drunken alter ego.
Im officially canceling McCormick Monday. I got a raise.
Sooo grey goose Tuesday?????
We decided it was acceptable to walk out of class on a quest for Doritos. That high.
This is the second girl that said she wanted to fuck me while wearing a clown nose. Fuck online dating
Don't forget the part about the bar bathroom stumbles.
Oh damn, you're right. I have to include that. You turned off all the lights with your head. That was impressive.
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with someone crawling around my carpet for 3 hours trying to pick up spilled coke...
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with ME crawling around your carpet for 3 hours trying to save my investment.
Doug the spinning teacher gave me chlyamdia
I'm driving to his house to eat chicken and hopefully have an orgasm
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
Hey. You got pizza and sex. How much more can you ask for?
Randomize
