i chipped my tooth tryin to cut thru her pantyhose. that stuff is bulletproof.
Shotgunned a beer while taking a bath.
The night was going well until I found tufts of my hair in the freezer. Then I got nervous
The fool I made of myself at the Ugly Christmas Sweater party last night was surpassed this morning when I walk of shamed 6 miles at 7am with one mysterious wet leg and no pants on. I think my mom saw me and waved.
apparently I crawled into someone's bed and demanded they call me 'big dog' before shotgunning a beer
I apparantly wanted to name her baby garbage
I went in the closet and cried, then the bathroom and cried, and lastly he showed me his penis and I cried. It was a weird night.
Just realized I used a picture of my little sister to holler at a guy, only 3 months old and she's already my wingman.
I'd tell u there's strippers to make you get here faster, but that would be a blatant lie... There's strippers here.
You have to get it done early. Like a dick drive by. Hit it and run.
You know it was a good night when you wake up w/o a shirt in someone elses living room next to a pancake on a spoon in a bowl of spaghetti.
OMG. When you threw the used condom on your floor you threw it in my purse!!! I just went to grab my headphones and it was stuck to them!
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
G&T. Gin and tonic. GIN AND TONIC. GIN AND TONIC AND FUCKING LIME
i just woke up from a 4 hour nap, still drunk, to make mac n cheese.
Randomize
