Dude, you really need to stop hitting on girls by telling them you sang a cappella in college.
Bath mats should not be used at mops. they don't work. consider this a drunk psa
Everytime I know she spent a lot of time on her hair for one of our dates, I intentionally cum on the top of her head. That's how she knows I pay attention.
My goal for break? Fuck all my exes in reverse order.
Craig, a bottle of Jamison, and I had a party on the roof last night. No idea how I got down. My injuries indicate fall...
Was behind a guy going 20 for 4 miles I'll be there as soon as the universe quits fucking me
Just peed in the fountain while its snowing. Fell flat on my ass, literally my butt naked ass in a pile of snow. It's safe to say I'm done with drinking on weekdays
He challenged me to a drink off, I couldn't just say no. It was a matter of pride really.
And as he was cursing your name from the bathroom you were ordering yourself another drink on his tab. The poor bastard had no clue you were a pro drunk
HOW DO YOU FORGET TO FINISH WINE
The struggle bus has heated seats and stops at Dunkin on Friday mornings so I'll be okay.
PEOPLE ARE STILL EATING FAJITAS IN DROVES. BY THE CASELOAD. THERES A FORKLIFT OF SIZZLING MEATS.
Never doubt me. I am drunk and unstoppable and I will finish this book
Oh my god.. Saw a commercial for Captain Morgan. Made me gag a little bit.
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
Randomize
