I think I sharted a yagerbomb.
i really should have bought real food rather than condoms, olives, coleslaw and beer...
We name dropped you at the liquor store and got a ten percent discount!
You kept telling me how warm your bag of vomit was and asked me if i wanted to feel.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I don't even know what beauty is right now. I wouldn't even pity fuck me today.
Saturday morning. Went into a study room excited b/c some1 had left a paper w/ an inspirational quote: YOU ARE cApable of aChieving anything yoU waNT. Then I read the bold letters.....
The stripper was waving you to the stage, not up on the stage. That's why you got choked out.
Found out last night that "Everclear" is Spanish for "shit got weird"...
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
P.S. I just made up pleasure scepter for the purpose of that last message.
I'm FaceTiming Pizza Hut.
They are doing the auction. One of the items in the auction is a grenade launcher.
He's hot and has an accent therefore you don't ask questions when he tells you to take your pants off.
GIIIIRL I AM STONED AF AND I HAVE A HOMEMADE POT PIE IN THE OVEN THIS PARTY IS LIT.
I didn’t want a minivan, but I have to admit it’s made it a lot easier to hook up with the dilfs at soccer tournaments
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