Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
Well if were past the bullshitting stage yes if not then no I'm not that kind of guy
Let's just say I've never been so continually aware of my nipples before.
Until they make a bed that bathes you in your sleep, I will not be satisfied.
Sometimes I have to make sure these messages are going to you and I'm not about to give someone in my phone book a heart attack.
Either she's trying to smother me and failing, or she just has a really bad sense of where her tits should go.
As much as I enjoyed playing drunk half naked twister and talking about my daddy issues last time, I'll have to pass.
He wasn't excited for the fifty shades of grey trailer, so I told him we're done
If he doesn't get here soon I'm taking off my thong and eating his dinner.
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
You're the only person I know who would go to New Jersey to give a blowjob and I have so much respect for you for it
I may be a complete scumbag but even im not willing to spend a grand and sit on a plane for 24 hours just for shrooms and a blowjob
On another note, I kinda only wanna poop laying down now
I dont know who to turn my two weeks notice into so I'm just going to get hammered at work and see who fires me.
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
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