Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
Raise your hand if you bought 2 annoying girls shots of water. CLOWNS.
He had the Transformers symbol tattooed to his chest. We had to do it doggy style so I could laugh into my pillow instead of his face.
He won't talk to me. He'll only communicate using scissors
my dad just told me he wants a furry wall in the house... i'm proud and concerned
I have 250 contacts there has to be someone sober to take me to taco bell
Worst ten minutes of my life, it's was like trying to put a marshmallow in a piggy bank....
Did you guys have sex yet? And don't worry, I broke the ice already by sending this to both of you. So you can just jump right into it. You're welcome.
I'll offer my penis as collateral. You can hold title to it till I pay you back.
Not going to lie- I'm a little freaked out camping right now. This is one of those high activities you don't do by yourselves...or close to bears
You know it's bad when I can already feel tomorrow's hangover before even drinking today.
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
My suggestion is that you just get high and set shit on fire
think before you get married my friend it's my birthday and just got done jacking off
I just found a baklava I forgot I got last night so we can call it a day
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