i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
Don't pass out before midnight like you did last year. See how much your year sucked
He spanked me with a plate. I'm not sure where this is going...
You were pretty committed to that cat costume. Between pukes, you would meow and assure people that you just had a hairball you couldn't get out...
I'll even be awesome and bring pizza for your family, just as a "hey thanks for letting a stranger get trashed at your house" gesture.
You did a body shot out of her belly button with a bendy straw.
That's true because who the fuck doesn't love Harry Potter and beer
I'm pretty sure our sex is better than most foods and that says a lot too bc I really like food
He asked if I had any questions. Apparently, "how thick is the stick up your ass" was not a correct question.
You handed me an unpeeled grapefruit off the frat basement floor and then took a bite out of it.
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
It was bad. U were calling my cat "kittiano" and playing her like a piano. Way too drunk my friend.
No I dont want him to bring his twin brother, cause then ill have to entertain him with my vagina
It was all like "my feathers evolved from scales of a reptile bitches!!" and I was all like "damn this chocolate milk is AWW SOOME!"
Randomize
