Emee failed...She used my genitals as a tampon
I was born with a shot glass in my hand
Tears do usually get me what I want. That and oral sex.
I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
So you walked 4 miles to get home but stopped by the store first to get a vegetable tray? How drunk were you?
and you're not allowed to put a penis in you if it's attached to a 26 year old who works at blockbuster
I want to say that being forced to stare at the 'no.1 boyfriend' collage behind his head ruined the sex but it just didn't.
I might have to break the "you stay out of my sister and ill stay out of yours" pact that i have with tim
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
I'm not sure what happened. But I must have won because I obviously stole two full pitchers of beer from the bar and taped a note on them saying "your welcome"
Just started taking liver support pills. Welcome to Senior year.
These people don't understand my stages of drunk
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
You gotta do what you gotta do. Like how I gotta drive in the rain to go get chicken nuggets. I just gotta.
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