your ex dropped by. you can call me dwight howard, cuz im the king of rebounds
you started whispering 'the itsy bitsy spider' while you were putting your hands up my shorts.
I walked in on him cutting a hole in the condom.
I didn't realize he wasn't circumcised... it looked like the Unibomber...
It's like you don't even want to get drunk with me everyday, anymore.
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
Dude, he threw a pool chair off of an 8 story building. It was a successful night I'd say.
Want to run by the liquor store later? Tequila Youn should really be in attendance at Party Mountain. No one else could be our spirit animal.
i made this one couple from ohio so uncomfortable that they left....and that was WHEN I HAD PANTS ON
Our first crop came in on the day that they added Hercules to Netflix Instant, I think it's the universe telling us that it approves of us growing shrooms in our guest room.
Dont judge the spank bank, just be happy that you were deposited there.
Running my fingers through my hair was like that scene in Patch Adams where the old lady got to swim in a pool of pasta. I love Molly.
Just licked cheese from my hot pocket off my phone. I spilled because I was eating a Popsicle at the same time. Send an adult please
Did I really just send a work email with cum instead of come? feck me
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