She showed me her prom dress from 2001, which still had her date's cum stain on it.
Oh, so that's why you call her jizzarella....
No mine's bigger. It just looks smaller because I'm drunk
I'm looking at pot farms on google earth. Google should be proud I found a real purpose for it to serve.
Hey so summary of last night. I threw up in a rain boot then tipped it over on my bed, did my laundry and passed the fuck out. I feel like I didn't see you.
fyi, she knows we call her the sperm bank. watch your back.
He woke up in the ambulance thinking he was still in the club.
We stopped midfuck cuz a guy was walking his dog. Who the fuck walks their dog in the dorm parking structure at 3am!?
I was trying to be a bartender for my boyfriend and his friends last night, but I was too drunk so I just kept bringing them ice cubes in my hand.
DONT EVER DUNK OREOS INTO WINE . NEVER
Just go to your happy place. Mine is with Jake Gyllenhaal & schnapps
We ended up on their roof with our pants around our ankles shotgunning beers at one point.
My mom just told me not to dance on any tables on Halloween...I'm choosing to take that statement as a joke
This place is full of unfortunate mustaches.
We need to find out what drug we took so we can take it everyday from here on out
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
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