Mr. Last Night just informed me I told him to be very quiet when he left this morning and high-fived him as a goodnight kiss. Drunk me is slutty and manly.
just heard some guy walking down the street say "butt sex in the sun"
go get him tiger.
wait one more day. tuesday is my official "i hit on you and/or we hooked up this weekend" friend request day.
Bought two parrots for us. I'm keeping them at the Bellagio.
You found me in the back room alone eating someone else's whole birthday cake with my hands then asked me if you could join.
Just traded the drive-through guy at BK a Dos Equis for a Hershey pie before noon... win?
shes on the ground doing bicycle kicks screaming "is my ass good enough for you now satan" send help
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
I just folded my boss's lingerie. I need a drink and a raise
Sailor Jerry came over for the evening. It was a magical evening. I didn't even get puke in the house.
What's dad's email?
askmom@cause.idk
Heat not working dressed like an eskimo. A real one with a ski sock on my junk
THIS IS AN AMERICAN HORROR STORY I CAN'T FIND MY VIBRATOR ANYWHERE WHICH MEANS I LOST IT WHEN I MOVED WHICH MEANS MY POOR VIBRATOR IS OUT THERE IN THE WORLD ALL ALONE RIGHT NOW WHAT AM I GOING TO DO
A condom was pulled out of your vagina by a doctor today I do not think you can pull off "closet" hoe anymore
everything I love is going to destroy me, so if coconuts are the answer, so be it.
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