Just puked in a mcdonalds cup while driving. Didn't even swerve.
my grandma was just praying before dinner, and before she could finish my gpa lifted his glass and said 'and here's to avatar!'
Everyone is sleeping and i'm sittin here in my iron man mask, watchin chelsea lately and tryin to figure out how to smoke through it.
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
I dont think that yelling at the medic "Christmas is gone, fuck off santa" was the best idea when you couldnt feel your legs.
Dude id rather jerk off w a fist full of bee's than deal with that girl that never stops talking.
No, man, we stole the housekeeper's key and we're just going room to room raiding mini fridges. Hurry
Logan has the vodka and snickers. We're making a run for it. Room 302
"Every minute you spend hanging out with David is a minute you could spend meeting someone new, who isn't a huge douche" - Buddha
It sucks laughing and vomiting at the same time, trust me. I kind of remember
Did you get any pics? And I can only imagine how inferior you must have felt knowing that somewhere in that room was a guy whose penis was the length of your forearm.
Just assume that every drink in that house has alcohol in it.
He keeps bees of course he's weird
Just realized I chose a bacon cheeseburger over sex last night
Not sure how but he broke three of his fingers while giving a blowjob. How does someone that accident prone survive to adulthood?
So TMI but just realizing I have not masturbated since trump took office. He's sucked the sex drive out of me.
Randomize
