apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
Im sitting alone watching titanic. Drunk. Without pants. Holding a fishing pole. Im pretty sure im okay with all of this.
sometimes after I smoke and the high has gone away...the high will come back like three hours later for a brief yet gripping ride.
that's usually when I end up in someone's house, having sex with someone else, while that someone's roommate makes us mozzarella sticks.
I usually don't buy birthday presents for my booty calls
But you'll make an exception
probably not
WAIT DID YOU MAIL ME A KITTEN
My head is pounding and I need an ice pack for my vag. Successful friendsgiving!
I woke up to an alarm on my phone that said "Buy Plan B" and then the guy offered me a hairbrush... which seemed polite at the time
I just want to trick people into going on dates with me so they can bring back to their houses and let me use their wifi.
Instead of a fine and a few hours in jail he chose to get tasered, break his neck and shit his pants
Sounds like either a very good Friday night or a very bad Saturday morning.
Do you remember the bathroom attendant when he put out his hand for a tip and you gave him a high five?
I couldn't read the menu. I ordered the first thing I was able to read. Don't think I ate anything. Left $20 on the table.
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
Just saw the pics from the bachelor party. When the hell did we go to southie. And why was there a chicken in the limo..? You guys really are my best friends.
They picked up the lamp, held it aloft, and proclaimed apropos of nothing “this is going right up my ass”. LOUDLY
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