Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
I may have just googled Muppet Treasure Island drinking game
stayed up to watch the sunrise..saw an albino taking shots on the quad..it's like there's a whole new world of people out there just waiting to meet us
you're just mad cause i madeout with you while having a mouth full of chewed pretzels
You kept apologizing for not offering me some of your Whisky, which you referred to as "Jesus Nectar".
I'm sorry that I ate boneless ribs off of your sister, but that is no reason to drink my alcohol.
It's okay though. My mom didn't believe that they were mine cuz they were magnums. Having a surprisingly large penis ftw
He just got here and all he's wearing is a cloth over his penis.
I'll uninvite my mom
I have to shower first, I forgot I peed on my feet last night...
Who spent today in nothing but a vajazzle and candy thong? SORRY NOT SORRY
There's a whistle here and I just want to play my whistle song on it.
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
OK BUT WHO THE FUCK FORGTS A LIVE CHICKEN IN MY HOUSE
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
Okay. So did I kiss you last night? I know that I made out with someone. Or a few someones. But I'm pretty sure that I made out with you. Was that real life?
Randomize
