fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
i stapled my math hw together with an ear ring, too ghetto?
yea, the bartender wouldn't serve you because you kept asking for "a slice of beer"
She had a little wicker basket of condoms by her bed. Disturbing yet convenient.
Referring to yourself in third person during sex is apparently an instant turn off
She was indeed spoonfeeding you potato salad out of that giant bowl with a giant spoon. Dont feel special, she was giving it to everyone that left the bar.
Fuckers are stealing our internet and making my porn stream slowly so I changed the password for VanceRefrigeration to RyansaCunt. No spaces but capitalization.
kool aid jammers and 151...our childhood has officially been corrupted.
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
After her AA meeting, she was on the phone with her mom, and when she said, "they're making me start over with Step 1," I quietly sang, "cut a hole in the box".
As a 47 yo who just boned a 22 yo, it was definitely a walk of pride. She is a major feather in my aging cap.
I just don't remember. It's like I went to bed on July 3rd.. and woke up on the 5th. Nothing.
the guy working the counter at the liquor store noticed i got my haircut and said it was pretty.....
I had to explain to an ER nurse that I burned my dick playing onion ring toss today, your social awkwardness hardly compares.
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