Also I am about to cut a ringtone from "Sex Machine" so James Brown can tell me to "get up, get on up" in the morning
I once woke up to the scream from 'get up offa that thing' and smacked my head on my desk
she looked like she should be chained to micheal vicks radiator
my sex list reads like a who's who of mcdonald's general managers
where does the pee come out of this thing
So I guess I passed out face first on the ground while trying to grill last night
I think online classes were designed around the concept of day drinking.
Why is there soup literally in every orifice of my body?
You know I'm dangerous when I have make-out withdrawals
He? As in you personified your dick?
how I know last night was a good night: this morning I found a bottle of tapatio, a bag of chicken and a bag of popcorn in my purse.
Turns out I tore my ACL when I fell off the mechanical bull.. Happy bday to me
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
Found someone cuddling with my Uggs this morning. Guess the hundred pillows laying next to him weren't good enough.
I couldn't find my contact solution so I thought mixing toothpaste and water would work
The last time I was on vacation the pandemic blew up. Can't wait to see how my vacation fucks up the world this time.
Randomize
