Don't put random dicks in your mouth or any other crevice for that matter... and i'm home in 30 seconds
Wish I got that text last night instead of this morning.
Straight up if I get stuck with her I'm going to drink myself into a prison cell.
There was a guy on the elevator dressed as santa in flip-flops giving away beer.
I specifically found a fat girl to lift me up on her shoulders.\n\nIt was glorious.
BEST FEELING EVER: Standing in a hot fucking shower, while super baked, while eating a cookie.
You eat cookies in the shower?
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
Keep it up. It gets easier when you turn 21. Something happens in people's brains when they turn 21 and all of a sudden you have the power to drink constantly and abuse drugs and still graduate with good grades and your shit together. Im almost positive I read it in my freshman year bio textbook
She got drunk on the air plane and pretended to be an elephant for an hour...Atleast the kid behind us enjoyed it.
Apparently when your theatre teacher asks who the best actor of our time is, Nicolas Cage is not the right answer.
Just took plan b with my eggs and chai...homecoming got the best of me already
It isn't easy. I met him at the gym. He wanted to go out he doesn't drive so I drove and he wanted Dairy Queen where his sister is the manager. This is dating in my 20's
You were drunkenly dancing with a statue you affectionately referred to as "The Captain." I wasn't going to deny your happiness.
I'm still not sure how to feel about the fact that we had a threesome with a guy the same age as my dad
WTF. I was 99% sure I went straight home last night. I just woke up hugging a chair, and my tux pocket has a flask filled with what I think is red bull and gatorade. This has to be your doing.
Cancel your plans for the fourth someone is streaming iron chef on twitch
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