Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
I think she would actually eat a penis if anyone was brave enough to let one near her mouth
i am devastated. she was DTF and I was about to puke, i told her to wait outside my room for a second. Puked. Passed out woke up, she was gone. Found puke stains on my keyboard that seem to spell out youporn....
If he starts "inventing" things cut him off. The last thing he invented was chocolate chip green beans and he destroyed my kitchen
Life gets in the way of sexy Saturday sometimes
I totally just stopped for a booty call on the way to my parents for easter....good friday is an understatement
Unlike bears, this weekend is not the #1 threat to America. It is, however, the #1 threat to my liver
May 25th. Drunk Laser Tag party to celebrate our bdays. May 26th. Mushrooms at Chattanooga Aquarium. Damn
I have to shave my legs first. I'm afraid tiny woodland creatures will fly out if he tries touches them.
I may have had several rum punches and then gone to the store and used European cucumbers to prove my baton twirling prowess.
I just want cinnabon and vodka.
I did it again.
I drunk texted John McCain.
Hypothetically speaking, if a girl asks you to fuck her wearing only your hockey helmet, is that socially acceptable?
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
Some nights you do cocaine till 5:00 in the morning, and the next night you teach yourself how to crochet. It’s called balance.
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