If it has a penis then it will be stupid. Just how it works.
They should make Jack Daniels chap stick
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
After we smoked, the cops questioned us but i just asked if he wanted to join our basketball team.
she's using motion activated glade air fresheners as some sort of early warning system
She said she wanted to have closure sex.
I know it was you because you're the only person I know who gets drunk and craves soup.
Soup is delicious
My vibrator challenges you to a duel.
Theres a handprint of sauce on my frig, one streaked across my face, a trail of it to my bedroom and sauce all in my bed and i have no idea what the fuck i ate.
OH YEAH AND FORGOT TO THANK YOU FOR THE lack of WARNING THAT HE WASN'T CIRCUMSIZED.
Oh my god. A memory of last night just came to me. One of our neighbors joked about Thomas having a big dick and I just kept shaking my head profusely.
Only my second night back in town and I already have drunk middle aged women doing the robot around me in a circle.
Oh and it took quite a bit of doing, but I managed to wipe my butt with the hat you left in my car
Whoever put the life size cut out of Snoop Dog next to me in bed understands me.
Life if anyone rolls up to my funeral with shitty weed get them out of there
Randomize
