I have carpet burn on my ass, I'm rethinking my decisions last night.
I hope he doesn't find the chex mix when he takes my shirt off.
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
We found you naked curled up in a ball in the closet, using a gorilla suit as a blanket
The gay viking and his eqyptian 'queen' hooked up on our couches. They pushed them together to make a bed. Innovative, but awkward to come home from work to at 7 am.
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
He broke into my house just to tell me the door was locked.
Hearing them have a conversation is like listening to water buffalo have sex. Awkward and scarring.
I just want to emotionally destroy him but also find out how big his dick is so this is perfect
My moral compass cannot be waived by two measly bloody Mary's
We had sex on his grandparents floor... the taxidermy deer was staring at me the whole time!
He was imitating a sprinkler when he started puking. Hence- vomit sprinkler. Some people just can't handle their tequila
we went to go have morning sex and I said “I was gonna put my mouth on it but you need to shower”#ruinedthemoment
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
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