I'm drinking on the job... HEAVILY
Call me Kermit cause I'm about to go piggin
Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
There was a lot of him and a little penis
I wish i could put a picture of my ass of my resume...that seems to be the only way i will ever get hired
I got the number from the girl at uhaul even after she saw me throw up all over the parking lot with a 6 pack in my hands.
She started puking and I started running and I swear to god there was a wave of vomit chasing me down the stairs.
You flew out of the bedroom, stole two Solo cups from the beer pong table, put them on your feet, clicked your heels together three times
Im watching animal planet drunk, watching a documentary on mermaids. Tonight has not gone to waste.
I still can't believe I was army crawling thru his backyard at 2am..
In the event that Ian's ex wife asks you, tell her I'm sweet snd innocent. No reason.
I have 3 vacation days left and I'm guarding them like a gay dragon on a pile of gold dildos molded after celebrities.
Smaug the FABULOUS
The girls said some drunk guy in footie pajamas was asking for me when they opened the doors. I thought we agreed you were gonna stay home and microwave me some bacon.
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
My roommate's overnight guest is screaming about the dog licking his asshole. I need a new place to live.
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