I want to snug with you.
You want my snuggie?
What is the appropriate way to inform him that I am TOTALLY down for break up sex?
she walked out and i tried to get her to come back but i couldn't remember her name so i just whistled... future reference: that doesn't work
Two questions for you. Did I throw up last night and did we get food or did I dream that..?
No you never threw up but you did force me to take you to wendy's because you wanted "beef and ketchup"
Sometimes I think I have so much sex with you to be sure you're actually straight.
I guess I just stopped wanting to rip his balls out and started being okay with him being alive. that's a typical feeling for exes right?
Calling a preemptive no homo on tonight's activities
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
I just realized that the first thing he ever bought me was Plan B.
I just wrote the Drag Queen from Saturday Night on FB and apologized for licking her. Weirdest thing I have ever typed...
I wish there was a morning after pill for dominoes.
Bring me that man meat
She said "we just have chemistry" ... I wanted to say "no, you just have a vagina."
Just got the test results back; apparently I'm red-green colorblind. this explains the past 18 years of my life and i'm wondering why i didn't realize this sooner
Go shave, and then go fuck the man
YOU ARE SO CRUDE, I LOVE YOU
Randomize
