the bathroom floor of the diner looks a lot different when you're not rolling around and puking on it.
just chugged some gatorade and threw it up. todays gonna be awesome
For the record it's 1026 and you told me I could leave you in the bathroom.
If someone would have told me in preschool that I was going to do him I would have said no
I don't think he wanted to hear that my most serious relationship was my 1 1/2 year fuck buddy... I think he figured out that's where he's heading
I got us chalkboard mugs. Now whoever comes home with us can feel comfortable in the morning! I am too considerate to my one-night stands...
At one point I was giving him a handjob and I started singing Call Me Maybe
Oh my god i hate key west. No one takes amex and strippers took all my money
Do u like your dick pics shot in hotdog or hamburger orientation?
Drinking from the bottle. In bed. Making dinosaur noises. Oh man.
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
My dad called me in the middle of the night, drunk on vodka, asking for references on the Irish alphabet.
christmas shopping: 3 hours in the liquor store...
What did you do with the dog when you went into the club?
coat checked
i could have got laid, but instead, i threw up in her hair. you can cross that off the bucket list.
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