There's a fat drunk walrus bitch here next to me and shes already puked and now falling on herself
OH FUCK NOW HER BOYFRIEND IS MAKING OUT WITH HER VOMIT HOLE
Sounds like a good blink 182 concert...
Last night Brynn convinced every person at the party wearing glasses that they stole hers, and she woke up with 8 pairs of prescription glasses in her bag.
Im doing kagels to the beat of Christmas music... "Jingle Bells" is hard. Try it.
She answered the door wearing a blanket and holding a golf club. I was too late for this party.
Hey, next time you have sex, flick his balls, and tell him "thats for getting spit in jennifer's eye and laughing about it."
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
Watching crazy stupid love and drinking alone isn't what I thought it was gonna be
Its TONS better. Expect a drunk dial at 11:54
I mean you were pretty drunk at one point you asked if we could have a glass of water ready for you in case you choked while bobbing for apples, but you said grape juice was preferable. You can't choke on an apple btw
So who was trying to make it rain last night in the bathroom? There are pieces of dollar bill everywhere
MASS TEXT: Lets start a new tradition. Black Friday log pic contest. I'm waiting.
Omg, those nutella cakes are heavenly, like licking the nipples of a muscular black Jesus.
Do you remember doing synchronized hip thrusts to Michael Jackson? Probably one of my favorite parts of the night
Apparently I yelled "Spring Break 1984" at a drunk couple fighting on the side of the road.
It happened to me once. But i washed off in a duck pond and walked home naked.
He bought me shrimp and alcohol and referred to himself as daddy. I am in love.
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