I feel like your standards for women is like rent-a-centers standards for credit.
I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
He told me they were just razor bumps!
I wish I could tell you that the worst thing that happened last night was how he got thrown out of a stripclub for vomitting on the girl giving him a private lapdance. I wish I could tell you that and not be lying.
Those motion detector trash cans don't work fast enough to catch puke.
"The juvenile turned and faced the officer, unzipped his pants, placed a fresh cigarette in between his legs and preceded to light it with a match"
She was eating whipped cream out of a plunger at 3 am in the morning. Yet somehow she still had an elegance about her.
whoever brushed my teeth and whitened them while i was passed out, thanks.
Watching the tv in the reflection of my phone cause I'm too hungover to roll over.... Yes it is 4 PM...
As I was brushing his cum out of my hair he looks at me and says "it happens to me all the time."
ur mom makes the best bacon
WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN MY HOUSE
I saw Nicolas Cage's face in the moon. Those were good shrooms.
Its like a match made in avoid-eachother-because-we're-antisocial-and-awkward heaven
you know it's been too long when the heat of a pizza box on your lap turns you on.
you better come over.. I need a witness to help prove the couch talks to me
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