i just saw a midget buying condoms and graham crackers. i wonder which was the impluse buy.
i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
Sundresses, hats, and big glasses. That is the greatest trick the devil ever taught women.
i'll never see her again. i cant remember her last name. this is like cinderella except prince charming drank too much jameson and couldnt save a phone number properly
I was in holding with a guy that got a DUI on a hover round. He was so nice. We're hanging out tonight.
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
I was more concerned about the amount of mcdonalds fries on the floor around me than i was with my lack of clothes.
Before I left he asked me if I could submit my panties for the frat house undergarment chandelier. I said yes
Only I could get hit on by homophobic straight guys in a drag bar.
I wish I could be happy with a nice Christian girl, but no, I need a hot mess who starts bar fights
I need to stop getting picked up at 3 am by my friends parents. This is the second time this week. I'm a grown man.
You know your late night booty call was a huge fail when you go back to your car after it's over, and it's still warm.
So now your dad has seen my tits. You could have told me he was coming by to help paint.
I didn't think you'd be painting the kitchen topless.
I couldn't find a shirt I was willing to ruin.
I hooked up with the sexiest couple in the LAX BATHROOM IN THE CHANGING FAMILY ROOM HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAA
You’re welcome stay at my house. But, you gotta piss in the toilet
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