If I die tonight, I want you to know that your sister is awesome in bed
I'm currently blowing up the downstairs bathroom at work. I wish I could foursquare this.
moving back to school this early was a terrible idea we already used up our bail fund
last day of my family cruise we all got trashed and had an award ceremony. I got the award for hooking up with a cougar. my grandma hugged me and said im living up to the legacy. this is why my familys better than yours
My boobs grew. They knew we were going to vegas.
New plan for Halloween: you dress as Waldo, I'll dress as Carmen San Diego. We can just hide in a closet drinking till someone finds us.
In her drunkenness, she packed a bag with tequila, two shot glasses, salt, a knife, and two pears. She was prepared but too high to distinguish pears from limes.
You know our reunion in two weeks shall be a drunken bikini clad magical adventure right
Besides he said his dick was as big as a loaf of bread and that it was broken. So I was like u have half a head of hair and a broken dick that looks like bread. No thanks. Im good.
Go to a building you've never been before and take a shit. It's marvelous
after the ketamine those signs on the bathroom door had little meaning to us
Bacon and your penis are involved. Of course I'm going over.
when they cut me off i played the entire Justin Bieber playlist and left for another bar that didn't think i'd had enough to drink
She has a girlfriend too.. we decided that two cheats equal eachother out to zero. with our flawed grasp on algebra and the bottle of jack we were passing back and forth the logic seemed airtight.
He calculated like a serious conversion in his head the other day and got a crazy number and I was like damn that’s hot please proceed to take your clothes off.
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