dude i need help, im throwing up blood.
no youre not, you just drank a pitcher of red koolaid trying to sober up.
oh, so thats why my junks red.
wow. cant help you there...
She just wrapped her tongue around my thumb.....lizard girl may be my next wife.
He told me he was ok to drive home. Then I found him face-planted in the parking lot.
I fucking love fucking science majors-- she told me that she wanted to know if her gag reflex got better or worse with alcohol, and that her initial evidence had been inconclusive. So, next few weeks, yeah, gettin blown periodically. All I have to do is keep a log.
new plan: i think the keg will fit in my purse.
i looked down and was like "oh shit thats blood" then it was like "shit, thats not my blood." then it was like whos blood is this??
I'm pretty sure I just discovered what the American Dream is said the person eating a hotdog for breakfast in bed in her underwear
That was the night I passed out and someone threw chicken at me. SORRY I wasn't available to cockblock you from that Hispanic dude.
I don't think it's ever a good night if I'm this hung over and I didn't even get an orgasm out of the deal...
Hey.... can you explain to me why when I woke up this morning my cell phone background had been changed to me getting a piggy back ride from a drag queen?
I woke up in the bathroom clutching a stuffed shark. My night was fantastic, thanks for asking.
I'm giving drunk me full control of my body for the next few days. Please don't let me die.
I don't think I can get drunk, high or horny enough to even consider that
You know why I love being a regular at this bar? It's because at a certain point last call is only a suggestion.
What use have I for dignity? It just get's in the way of the really fun stuff.
Randomize
