tequila makes my crab dance SOOOO much better
Dude they even gave me free lube for being tested! Best. Hiv test. EVER.
Saying we were separated at birth, got on a ship and sailed here via onion barrel from Somalia didn't help our case at all....
Just found a picture of me licking the bouncers ear last night
my tonsil wound opened up during the kegstand but i stopped it with a popsicle
He said you stopped mid-fuck, called fives on his dick, walked out to grab another drink, and came back.
I always ask when they're due. It's the nicest way for me to let her know the rest of the world can tell she's putting on weight too
Btw... when someone is licking your balls, "yeah... that's not the worst thing in the world" is not an appropriate compliment/thank you.
I am too high to deal with coming home to 11 naked people in my living room
Someone is giving away free yogurt on craigslist. Can I get a ride?
you asked the cab driver if he wanted to meet your parents, last night.
Thanks for wearing matching bob ross shirts to the bar with me and referring to every guy as a happy little accident
Sooo...you're driving 6 hours for free booze?
Don't judge me.
He started out in my roommates bed and by the end of the night was in mine, not sure how that went down. But he left happy in the morning.
I'm basically doing the Walk of Shame without the added bonus of having sex last night. That doesn't look good on anyone.
Randomize
