dinner at cheesecake factory: $40. drinks at yard house: $50. having sex in the VG parking lot while people are staring at you awkwardly: priceless. Goodnight.
Sex on bubble wrap = best decision ever.
It's an acquired taste. Like keystone. Or caviar.
My mother just asked me if i ever swallow the goods...should i be concerned?
NBC reported that a group almost has enough signatures to submit pole dancing as an Olympic sport in 2016...
God I fucking love America.
When I was with my girlfriend I was averaging 1 random hookup a week. In the 2 months I've been single I haven't got any. I think I need her back.
Aaaaand that would be the most of my hand I've ever fit into a vagina before.
i mean let's face it...the pregnant girl was really slowing us down.
Dave, I love you but you're barking up the wrong lesbian. You sir are the competition. You don't threesome with competition.
So mom called me from the hospital laughing her ass off. Apparently my sister is allergic to cocaine...
Soooo we should kick it sometime when it's like light outside. Drink outta cups.. Be bitches. 7, 6, 3, 5.. 4, 2, 1... Sschhkiddaellladiieessscchk
You rolled onto your side and told me 'this is the recovery position'. That was after you were stoned. You've done this way too much.
I was trying to remember why my knees hurt then I remembered I was twerking on the countertops.
Just laying in bed with my vibrator eating cold tortillas and listening to Savage Garden.
Found this cake smashed up inside a box on the sidewalk. Im saying yes to adventure and eating some.
Taking a nap. Sidewalk cake kicked my ass. It had boston creme filling!
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