Have fun fixing the bed from last night Bob Villa.
At least you didn't call me Brittany this time
why the FUCK would i wear makeup on my vagina!?
absolutely not. he will always be that kid that threw up a ham and cheese sandwich in fourth grade to me.
you need to not memorize your credit card number for drunk pizza
When boys buy condoms it makes me feel proud of their mothers for doing a good job
at what point last night did i decided to have a photo shoot with your camel toe
IF I CAN STICK YOUR DICK IN MY MOUTH, I CAN STICK MY GUM ON YOUR NIGHTSTAND.
Your shoe was in the washing machine. I have it in my pocket. My phone rang before and I answered your shoe. Meet me at the bar in 10.
I know you're aving fun across the room but I can clearly see you getting a handy. It's not as "low key" as she promised. Also, why are you texting while she's doing it?!
His pick-up lines are quotes from Doctor Who. Of course I fucked him.
I found the crust to my pizza under my covers that's cool
He said he could outsmoke me so I challenged him to a weed duel. I don't always very competitive but when I do...
He danced with some other girls and you started yelling "I can't believe I wasted half my Chili's gift card on you" at him
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
I'm having to shit out rocks
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