The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
your all-time low pick up line was when you asked a girl "Are you rock-staring at me?"
I knew her barely 30 minutes before we got naked. This whole fraternity thing is starting to grow on me...
Taking back a box of condoms is possibly the most depressing thing i've ever done
Thats why you have fulfilling relationships with nice girls and i have kinky sex with crazies
They said an hour before I even see a doctor...and they noticed the shots tally on my arm.
Because selling drugs to kids never goes out of business. We get older, they stay the same stupid.
I feel like I have two modes: Super fuckin high, or super giddy from caffeine. I have learned to accept this.
I just KNEW this was gonna happen. NEVER say "all the free Jameson you can drink" around Tina.
Went to night shots with Kayla... she punched this guy and I got his friends number. Not sure if she's the best or worst wingman ever.
So I woke up alone in the hotel room clutching a bible to my chest. Explain, please.
After we had sex he began to tell me the craziest places he's had sex. He told me KFC bathroom so I rolled over and went to sleep.
Hey I just woke up in the back of a pickup truck parked at taco bell... Can u come get me?
Its mothers day... Can my present be an orgasm...for once?
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
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