Puked in a cab. Passed out on my floor an my mom put a blanket over me. Home by 1045. I won shitshow trophy last night.
i just googled the alphabet. i couldnt remember if it was jklomnop or jklmnop.
I came home to burning cookies and him outside "tanning" naked.
He just wants an even tan
My dildo fell into the bathtub. It sounded like a chainsaw.
If you come, call before you come in. I'm tanning my balls. Enjoy that visual.
Everybody knows the last week of summer internships include showing up to the office hammered and hitting on the CEO
your like the ambassador to my penis.
We fist bumped behind their backs while drunk hooking up with them... Do other girls do this too? Or is it just us?
If I get a 4.0 I am doing SO much cocaine.
I ordered more beers for everyone but had to finish them all. I promptly went outside and projectile vomited in the street. Three times.
Yes. He better. Or I will shave a penis into his beard while he sleeps.
I have 13 missed calls from when I slept outside on some rocks
I sign my lease Thursday, I'm about to be released back into the wild.
I'll make missing person signs.
You're a good friend.
YOU GOT ME SO DRUNKK
i got me so drunk!
Sober sex is weird like I didn't expect this when I got clean
Randomize
