; Think of how many worthless people would b non existant if there was no liquor so their parents never hooked up
Ppl just aren't as funny as we are
life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
You're the host. Of course you wear the diaper. It's like wearing the pants.
I lost of the blow last night. Found it later in my bag labeled Fairy Dust.
So I have some interesting news. The pizza guy called the cops on me...
hey dude come in here and see how much of my beard i can put in my mouth!
she's a dental assistant. she can get nitrous. kinda looks like a sloppy bucket of fuck. time to take one for the team. NEED SHOTS STAT!!
true... I just kept thinking "THAT IS A PENIS. OMG THAT IS A PENIS. DOES HE KNOW IM STARRING? STOP LOOKING. OMG THIS IS AWKWARD. PENISSSSS"
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
PA to anyone at the party last night and wondering where your pants are: they are in my backyard.
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
Up until today, I never would have thought I'd have to tell someone not to color on the cat
She was nothing like her profile said, we had nothing in common, and her picture mustve been like 30 pounds ago. But yeah we hooked up
We had sex on his sofa while his friend cheered and threw bugles at us
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