WAKE UP. GET ME THE PILL. AND SAVE MY LIFE
Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
I just withdrew $200 in ones. I think the teller knew what was up
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
Well still if someone cared enough about u to wish an unwanted child or a disease on u ..u must have been doing something right
If your wondering why there is a puddle on the floor is I may have decided to make a kiddie pool in your living room.
Its summer. Time to get to the freshmen before the weight does.
She just told me she thinks she bruised her labia in class
A prostitute stole us beer at 3 am
He told me he loved me and then peed his own bed. So at least it was a memorable one night stand.
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
Could you just like have a friend who feels bad for me and secretly always wanted to have sex with me
FUCK YOU IM DRINKING WINE FROM A BOX
You okay there or need a ride? Maybe a straw for your box
Maybe a straw...
But he said I was unpatriotic for not having sex with him. What was I suppose to say to that?
Randomize
