Don't you send me to vm
I think my grandma died before she was convinced I was straight
The is a pregnant woman in this Chipolte wearing a shirt that simply says ‘OOPS!’ across the tummy.
That baby is bound to be under-loved.
just saw a girl throwing up in a taco bell nacho cantainor going 60 down the highway
I kept calling his name while we were having sex cuz i was so proud that i remembered it.
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
super high. so of course there was a shoot out at the bank. there are 20 cop cars no lie. if i make it out of this i will never smoke again
He asked me if I could call his penis destroyer... Uhh SOS.
I just think his face would be more attractiveif it was framed by my thighs
Oh okay well are you handling the "just sex part" like a professional hooker like I taught you?
I just Miyagied my roommate through her first set of tit pics. Her fuck buddy owes me.
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
This weekend I was almost blinded by a cumshot to the eye, so happy Labor Day I guess
There's a fly in my room repeatedly throwing itself at my window, and I feel it's really symbolic of what I want to do with my future
Last night was a sign that I need to stop sleeping with any girl that can quote the mighty ducks
Specially the ones that look like Goldberg
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