every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
Scratch that. Lia's boy toy's brother has a gorilla costume. This is gonna be great.
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
There were so few words spoken that I'm not sure if it was make-up or break-up sex.
I was an emotional waste case that night. She made me stroke her ponytail.
I have already decided that it happened in an alternate universe since both of the people involved don't remember it and we only have the word of a sober person that it happened at all
Should we buy the taco bell before hand? Not having taco bell on Quattro de mayo isn't a risk I'm willing to take
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
Ok here's the state of the situation: We're alone in a strange city with strange people with nothing but alcohol and sprite, I think we're gonna make it.
No he can't come. I swear to gods he's "Why We Can't Have Nice Things" given physical form.
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
I'm driving to work hungover. I feel like I got hit by a train and then drank that train too.
When I walked out of the bathroom and you were literally dancing, you looked at me and said 'this is how I dance'. And then continued.
I'll start working on my manners when you stop using please and thank you in the bedroom.
"You can have sex in my class, just stay quiet. I don't like noise." My professor... Shall make for an interesting semester.
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