I was like, "um, that's my butthole."
I don't even remember his name...i'm just gonna save it as birthday sex
Turned the water balloon filler into a jungle juice fire extinguisher. Please call me tomorrow afternoon and make sure that i'm still alive.
So she just apologized to the fire extinguisher.
just stole 2 cases of forties from some freshman in the woods by pretending to be a cop. that ten dollar spotlight is really turning a profit
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
I woke up in the ER. This living like theres no tomorrow really could mean theres no tomorrow.
And I was aware of my actions - that is not a penis I will say no to until I have a ring on my finger
I like you as a friend, but I'm in love with your dick.
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
I really wanna just be like, can you just eat me out and stop whining
I think that would solve a million problems
It can't be easy when an alcoholic Russian is screaming to the entire dorm "he no get hard"
Do you think this 2 hour Amazon delivery thing works on vibrators? Cause that would be clutch
My fuck buddy and I talked about Amelia Bedilia for ten minutes before having sex. I think I'm in love.
He is a beautiful butterfly covered in tattoos and naked.
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