Sometimes I find that I've been touching my boob(s) without even realizing it.
So we walked by this chick's house and she starts yelling at her boyfriend "STOP HITTING ME WITH YOUR DICK"
I love my penis, it thinks for me sometimes
I might never shower again without beer.. I might also always drink naked
Do you think i can prewrite an apology on friday and leave it vague enough to just finish on sunday?
Yesterdays boozy weather forecast has been extended to today
For the record you were pretending you were in a rocket when you drove from wawa to your house. So like 2 minutes of me listening to you making rocket sounds over the phone lmfao
A 74 year old man offered to let me sleep on his pull out couch last night.
I think you just miss his friendship.
I think it's his ability to give me multiple orgasms.
I was full on naked standing in his room and I just said "this isn't me" and left.
I just smoked weed with my physics professor. Tell me how my life is this.
Don't come back. They don't have pants.
Oh god.
God has nothing to do with this.
Its really hard to take a shit when the dog wont stop trying to crawl into your lap
Fine I’ll come with you but you better tell that guy to wear some longer shorts because the second I see a rogue nut I’m gone
when I said eat the rich I didn't mean like that but here we are sucking that capitalist dick
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