My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
its a saturday night. im home alone watching legally blonde, eating week old birthday cake and drinking milk out of the carton. so yeah im doing real well
i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
She counted 5,6,7,8 then intentionally kneed herself in the eye numerous times.
I kinda volunteered your dick to help her deal with her virginity issues. Figured you wouldn't mind.
After so many times of carrying your puked covered clothes home in a bag on a Tuesday morning, you begin to realize that Fucked Up Mondays aren't a real thing.
It's take your daughter to work day... I really shouldn't be here right now
It's not that I'm in love with her, so much as I would love to be her lesbian experience.
I wish I got like a congrats basket for being a responsible sexually active member of society complete with condoms, tissues and lollipops.
If it was any colder outside, the frost from my breath would make a mixed drink
He passed out. I tried to set his chest hair on fire.
I WAS KIDDING ABOUT SLUTEMBER BUT ITS ACTUALLY HAPPENING
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
Anyone who can sit 4 hours in a doobie circle with their feet in a kiddie pool is ok by me
I'm totes in the mood to go home and like blindly inhale dangerous amounts of porn
Randomize
