Everyone agrees they like your mother better drunk
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
Why does it always end up with me crying in my car.
My last google search was 'bulk asian wives' I don't know either
He's yummy.
HE'S GAY. AND 40.
Irrelevant.
We're knee deep in HJ's right now.
I WILL PAPERCUT YOUR URETHRA YOU DO NOT STEAL A MANS SECOND BIG MAC
He showed up at my house, drunk, proclaiming that he needed to fuck me...my dad let him in
I was going to ask the people in the kitchen to keep the volume down, but they're cooking pasta at 3 AM and one complimented me on my polka-dot nightgown. They're high. No volume control.
Oh please not the Easy Cheese again. That was weird.
Just because he told you it was safe doesn't mean you should have licked it.
11:30 you texted me saying he was on his way. 11:37 you said, "Oh my God that was terrible."
I'm not wearing pants, but I'm wearing a tiara.
My life. Always pantsless and occasionally topless.
And then I woke you by humping you to Lionel Ritchie.
Randomize
