so today I found out that she used to be a he....
are you gonna get a divorce?
So I've come to the conclusion that I would cry if I had an ugly baby.
So drunk can't even tell it's my own house. WOaoOw.
She sent me a text saying she picked out 17 different Halloween costumes for our kids when they hit the age of 4... The cling factor should have me running right now but honestly I'm just curious
Can you do me a favor and fuck someone with a car so I can get a ride home?
Whatever you gave me is making me lactate
she says she's going to shake me awake in 15min intervals if I pass out
this was your mom?
Know what's awesome? Flying a mini helicopter while you shit.
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
Your boyfriend and I are bonding over your giant dick.
We have such limited time together he literally sends me text messages that are like "I sent my roommates on an impossible quest, we have 15 minutes." it's that bad.
There is blood on my sheets, we apparently used 8 towels, everything in my shower is knocked down. Wut?
Flatmate got laid for the first time in 3 years. I'm baking a cake.
FUCK YOU VODKA I'M TRYING TO ADULT RIGHT NOW
Hey, I left a taco in your dishwasher.
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