I need to take "lollipop" off of every single one of my playlists cause it makes me wanna suck dick.
I woke up because I was nodding to the dream question of "would you like a sombrero?"
I'm taking this break up pretty rough.. I've never been to sad to masturbate.
How many times can I tell him I wasnt expecting sex before he realizes I'm just too lazy to shave all the time?
Blacked out, Had to be carried out of the bar again by two large black bouncers. Asked them to be my "boo thangz" Again.
I keep confusing the name of her and her dog. Both are appropriate.
I woke up in a lawn chair by the lake to some man revving his boat motor at me.
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
Did I fall on/off the boat yesterday? Cuz my right leg looks and feels like if it got hit by shrapnel.
Just because you are home alone for the weekend doesn't mean you can act like a nudist.
I accept your opinion but respectfully disagree. Also, I'm sitting in your chair.
In other news, I tore a tendon in my hand from giving my boyfriend handjobs so that's how my day is going
I told him I want him to read me my Miranda rights while he's fucking me. Act exactly like he does while he's on duty except with his dick out.
I've been getting a lot of emails from patron lately for being a great customer. Is that awesome, or should I start thinking about seeking help?
sarah's view on last night: a threesome to make things less awkward. oh, well done.
AND ONCE AGAIN THE HENNESSEY MAKES ME A SUPER SAIYAN
Oh for fuck's sake, is that why the couch is in the pool???
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