sometimes I tug on my anal hairs for pleasure
you've officially gone too far. we are no longer friends
I just five second ruled a donut I dropped at starbucks, everyones staring
i refuse to live in a world where loud threesomes in your own apartment are referred to as "rude"
did you yell "are you not entertained?"
The party theme was heirs and heiress's. Most guys came in polo shirts but he came as the "arch duke of vagina".
You were pretty dunk by the time you introduced the vase as your best friend.
Why is Kyle using one of my nieces as a blunt object to provoke and attack my other niece?
Well, on the plus side, the hospital gave me a shirt that says "Makes a bad ass look good"
Finally buying a camera. Missed out on recording a 3way last night. Hindsight. Ugh.
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
Okay. How did someone manage to piss on TOP of a urinal? What giant is roaming around with a prick five feet from the ground?
Whenever someone tells me they've never met a bisexual, I feel like a majestic fucking unicorn.
Nothing can teach you regret more efficiently than a wine hangover.
So apparently, after 11 beers, 2 pitchers of sangria and 3 rhum & cokes, the idea of popping a load of MD and jumping on the trampoline, in the woods, in my underwear was the best one ever.
My mother is currently smoking weed with a dying bee so his last moments aren't miserable. And she wonders why I rescued a grasshopper missing a leg.
You went on the date? His pickup line was I swear I'm not a serial killer and you went on the date???
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